This week’s critique I prepared for Heather Condiff, author of the blog FRIVOLOUS INDECISION, who wanted some help with her elevator pitch. Much like Heather, the pitch itself has nice energy to it that buoys the reader. She’s a busy woman with lots of responsibilities and a desire to keep her life balanced with the creative outlets that bring her pleasure.
What the pitch needs is a sharper focus on each side of her life, the serious versus the frivolous, to show the differences. The contrast will highlight the things in her life that help her keep all those plates spinning. I rearranged some of the sentence to improve the flow. I tried to strictly maintain Heather’s voice and keep the liveliness of her original pitch.
Let me know what you think.
Here’s the original version:
Frivolous Me!
What is all this frivolity about?
Here I am, a mother, a wife, a business owner, a woman with a vision for creative expression. Making serious choices are a piece of cake…it’s the frivolous ones that leave me indecisive!
Decisions with parenting children with autism aren’t easy and I’ve been doing it for 18 years now! Then again, neither is parenting children who are considered typical. Let’s pile on top of that being a busy wife co-owning several businesses with her hyper-active husband! I LOVE to be creatively expressive and strive to be more – a better community member, well-read, healthier, and striving to be content with who I am. Aren’t we ALL like that? I have an absolute love of music. I try to look for the positive in my life. (But I’m FAR from perky!) I see myself a realist and I don’t portray myself or my life different then from what it really is. I feel I am always learning which is why I revel in the “right” as a woman to change my mind, continuously. I hope that by sharing my indecisive frivolity it might just save one woman from a similar fate. Stay tuned!
The Editing KEY:
RED – words I added
STRIKEOUT – words I removed
GREEN – my comments
UNDERLINE – consider the word choice. I may or may not have given suggestions
Here’s the edited version:
Frivolous Me!
What do I have to be frivolous is all this frivolity about?
Here I am, I’m a mother of X tell us how many, a wife of X years, give us specifics , a business an owner of several businesses, so I need to make time a woman with a vision for my creative expression.
Making Decisions for my autistic with parenting children with autism isn’t aren’t easy, and Then again, but neither is parenting my children who are considered typical. Yet, I’ve been doing it for gotten the hang of it after 18 eighteen years now! I tried to keep this in line with your humor. Low numbers are usually written out.
Let’s pile on top of that all the decisions I make managing being a busy wife co-owning several businesses with my her you changed from 1st person to 3rd hyper-active husband! Making serious choices is are a piece of cake cliché’ …it’s the frivolous ones that leave me indecisive!
I LOVE to be creatively expressive my creative side and strive to be more – a better community member, well-read, healthier, and striving to be content with who I am. The structure of each item on this list needs to be the same.
Aren’t we ALL like that? I have an absolutely love of music. I try to look for the positive in my life, . (But I’m FAR from perky!) drop the parentheses I see myself as a realist, and I don’t portray myself or my life different then from what the way it really is. I feel I am I’m always learning, which is why and I revel in my womanly the “right” as a woman to change my mind, as often as needed. continuously. I hope that by sharing my indecisive frivolity, it might just save just one woman from a similar fate of Frivolous Indecision. We need to know what similar fate. Stay tuned!
Me again. This edit was tough for me. I think a big part of Heather’s message is that she has these two sides of her life that aren’t always working as a team. I can identify with that.
So how did I do? Does it still sound like Heather? Is the flow improved? Please leave your comments and check out her blog at: FRIVOLOUS INDECISION
p.s. Photo by by Newtownia